TITLE: Pretty Girls
AUTHOR: Mnemosyne
Disclaimer: Not mine!
SUMMARY: River's playing with Jayne's guns. Uh-oh!
RATING: PG-13
SPOILERS: BDM
CHARACTERS: River/Jayne
NOTES:
I wrote this ficlet for Alia one day while we were emailing each other at work like naughty children. She recently refound it and said I should post it. So tada! Here you go! It's a dialogue fic, a bit like ″The Hazards of Gametime,″ if any of you remember that one. I hope you enjoy!
"Baby girl, what're you doin'?"
"Playing with your guns."
"...."
*happy playing*
"..."
*continued happy playing*
"...WHAT!?!?!?!?"
"I am playing with-"
"I ruttin' heard you! What d'you think yer doin'!? Gimme those!" He yanks them away.
O_O
"Don't be givin' me them big eyes now. You heard the cap'n. No touchin' guns, 'member?"
"I slew dozens of Reavers with antiquated blade weapons."
"Yeah, but weren't none of them projectile."
"I did not kill the crew with antiquated blade weapons."
"Duh."
"This aversion to my use of projectile weapons therefore makes no sense. I've proven I am no threat."
"Baby girl, all you done proven is you ain't no threat when we ain't in range. My pretty girls here kinda negate all that."
O_O
"What?"
O_O
"What? What you givin' me them eyes fer?"
"....She thought she was your pretty girl..."
"Oh. Uh...."
*snuffle*
"Now, River girl, you know I didn't mean none o' that. I mean, yeah my girls are pretty-"
*SOB*
"-but ain't a one of them pretty as you! Gorrammit, would you... Now come on, now, go easy on ole Jayne. None o' yer cryin'"
"You do not think your baby girl is pretty!"
"What? Course I do!"
"You think she is an evil, inauspicious HAG!"
"I do no- ! A what kinda hag?"
*SMACK*
"OW! What'd ya hit me fer!?"
"I was becoming acquainted with your guns so they would not be jealous when I commence living with you! And we were having fun and enjoying each other's company! But you've ruined it! You've ruined everything! And you don't think I'm pretty!"
"Baby girl, I already done TOLD you I think you're- Hang on. When you commend to do what?"
"Commence to live with you."
"What, like, in my bunk?"
"In your bunk."
"..."
"..."
"...Was you plannin' on mentionin' this to me at all?"
"....No?"
"Baby doll, you can't just go movin' into a man's bunk without TELLIN' him."
"Why not?"
"You just can't!"
"I am perfectly capable of shifting boxes."
"Yeah, well, I know that."
"Therefore yes I can."
"I don't mean you can't PHYSICALLY, gorrammit, I mean it jus' ain't done!"
"Why not?"
"Cuz a man's gotta have his privacy, that's why!"
"You enjoy my company?"
"Well, yeah... I mean... I mean OBVIOUSLY, on account of I... sorta love you and all..."
"I love you, too. Therefore no problem."
"But baby girl, a man's got... THINGS in his bunk. Things his lady friends shouldn't oughta be around."
"You mean your magazines of negotiable affection?"
"Uh...."
"Not an issue."
"Huh?"
"Not an issue. The glossies are irrelevant."
"They... huh?"
"I love you, and therefore your vices. Therefore no problem. Therefore hello! I am your new roomie."
"You mean you don't got a problem with... you know, the girlie mags?"
"No."
"Really?"
"Really."
"...REALLY really?"
"Really really really."
"Gorram, baby girl, you're all kinds of special, ain't you?"
"Yes."
"Well.... I suppose, baby girl, if you're gonna be so accomodatin' and all.... Here, take back Lucy."
"She is a very fine sidearm."
"One of my best!"
"She and Vera were most pleased with the debasement of the glossies."
"I bet they-- huh?"
"The glossies."
"The mags, yeah. What about 'em?"
"Lucy and Vera were most pleased when I discarded them."
"When you WHAT???!"
"Discarded them. Threw them away. Introduced them to the vacuum. Spaced them to the black."
"You threw out my girlie mags?!?!"
"Yes."
"But... but... You said you had no problem!"
"I have no problem now that they are gone. That would be irrational. Silly Jayne, did you think I would share you? I already share you with your lethal ladyfriends, but they became amenable to my presence when I told them I would rid your bunk area of lewd content."
"You sayin' my GUNS told you to throw out my skin mags?"
"No, I am saying we came to a mutual agreement."
"..."
O_O
"....Hadn't even gotten through September yet..."
"You will survive. No more paper dolls for Jayne. He has a baby doll now, and she loves him. Kisses. Mwah!"
"Baby girrrrl... " He blushes.
"Sit. Play cops and robbers with me and Lucy. You and Vera can be the robbers."
"Thought you liked playin' robber?"
"I do. But the policemen get the cuffs."
THE END
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Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.